09 April 2010

Diogenes of Sinope: The Real Hero of Greece

It is easy to overlook the greatness of a homeless man who spent his life in a bathtub carrying around a lamp in search of an honest man when you have three of the biggest jerks running around Greece spreading their philosophical filth like a venereal disease at a sorority party. Yes, I'm talking about that unholy triumvirate of assholes, Socrates, Plato and Aristotle. While the mainstream posits that Socrates's contributions to philosophy are deeper than the Nietzschean abyss, I argue that the best thing he ever did was drink the kool-aid at his own going away party. Let's face it, Socrates is the walking, babbling personification of an inquisitive migraine whose craft is finding a million different ways to say absolutely nothing. He should have written his Apology on being so inconsiderate and having to make me write countless papers on his work throughout college, when surely I would have rather been writing it on how one could disprove a Platonic theory by simply plucking a chicken.
Diogenes of Sinope, though similar in many aspects to Socrates, differed substantially in his overall badassedness. While Socrates was put on trial and sentenced to death for "corrupting the youth", Diogenes the dog devoted his life to defacing the currency of Athens, putting suckers in their places and warning the children of prostitutes not to throw rocks in crowds lest they hit their fathers. Diogenes feared no man (though he would argue that those who crossed his paths were not men, but rather, just bathers), urinated on scoundrels, defecated in the streets and masturbated as he pleased, wishing it were only possible to alleviate his hunger by merely rubbing his stomach. Let's also remember that Diogenes was never the cause of tedious papers.

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